What Really Matters?Jun 08, 2006

Peggy L. Elliott

There are some people in this country who believe that we are living in highly unstable times, where even the bravest and most foolhardy have cause for concern.  I happen to be one of them.

Silly, I know - bordering on paranoid, even - but the mound of serious issues this administration keeps sweeping under the White House rug has swelled into a mountain that threatens to tip over in an avalanche that will bury us alive. 

Is it not an insult to us all when this administration continues to insist the “war” in Iraq ended years ago and only a “peacekeeping” force is required today?  Just how many thousands of our young men and women have paid the ultimate price when keeping the peace got too violent for them.  (We won that war, of course; the “peacekeeping” isn’t going as well, however.)

Then there’s the burgeoning tally of innocent civilians, slain or maimed for the simple mistake of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Might be some heinous crimes committed there, possible atrocities enacted by U.S. troops as bloodlust overtook responsibility during battle?

The control of our nation has been seized by a plague of demented sword rattlers.  Our oil-blinded officials rave and roar, threatening to retaliate against any and all governments, countries, states, cities, towns or small gatherings in front of the pot-belly stove in the local country store, should so much as a whisper of anti-American dissent be heard.

We are being crushed under the weight of the price of fuel, which has an impact on every single aspect of our everyday lives.  Families who can no longer afford groceries find little relief in the advice of our president to “stay a little closer to home” for that summer vacation this year.  The sheer arrogance!  Unbelievable.

But as serious as some of us may find these problems, they are mere inconveniences to those with the power to make a difference.  For we are blessed to have leaders who really know what’s important, what’s going to make this a better country in which to live and who are doing their best to pass legislation which will then protect us all.

So tell me - Do you know the number one, most critical issue facing this country today?  The issue upon which the fate of this entire nation and her people depend?  Give up?

Declaring English as the Official Language! 

Yep.  This is it.  Wars, famines, highest level research into developing alternatives to fossil fuel, global warming - all take a backseat to this, the major issue of our time, protecting the English language as spoken in the United States today.

Which really is not “English,” but a bastardized amalgamation of the “melting pot” process.  We have the richness of the foreign languages spoken by those who made their way to the United States, which have blended together to form the living languages that are spoken throughout this country. 

The concern that has throttled our government, this urge to protect the English-speakers of the U.S., might be emerging as the number of Spanish-speaking residents continues to surge.  God forbid this great land of ours ever finds itself in the position of having more Spanish-speaking Americans than the “real” Americans - the English-Speaking ones!

So, I’ve been thinking how best to solve the problem and get the Congressional and the Executive Branches of our government back to work on matters a little more pressing than this - and I don’t mean the Federal Marriage Amendment, either!

Before enacting more useless legislation, why don’t we take a look at our neighbors to the real-far-north, up there in Canada and what they’ve done with the Province of Quebec.  Instead of forcing everyone to speak whatever hybrid brand of English circulates in their area, why don’t we simply move all of the other language speakers to their own states, where they can live and speak as they please?

For instance, Texas and Florida would be natural choices for the Spanish speakers and if you live in Texas or Florida, you’d better speak Spanish!   Oh, who are we kidding?  Give them all of the states along the Gulf!

Except Mississippi - ‘cause that’s where the Vietnamese and the rest of the Indochinese are going to live.  They’ve been very successful in the fishing and shrimping industries, and should also have California, too.  But we can’t give them the entire state of California.

What we CAN do is break California up into two, three, even four, ethnicities, if necessary.  The Chinese will have the top third of California; the Japanese can have all the farm and orchard land grabbed from them during WWII and never returned, and they can speak whatever they want.  We owe these families big time. 

The southern part of the state should, by all natural right, go to the Spanish-speakers yet again, but there’s a problem with the huge entertainment industry.  Guess it will simply be sort of a “no man’s zone,” where you can use any sort of language you feel like.  But no smoking.

Okay.  How many Yiddish/Hebrew speaking residents are there in the U.S. - and I’m not simply referring to those 13-year-old boys getting ready for their Bah Mitzvahs?  There’s a place in the U.S. crying out for you:  Off to Idaho with you all!  And you’ll  be armed to the teeth and given full permission to bomb the hell out of those Posse Comitatus!  Nuke those Skinheads! 

And what about Washington, D.C?  Well, as we all know, they haven’t spoken English, or any other decipherable language, there for ages.  Maybe they should learn, though, as it does seem that this is where the biggest push for “English as the Official Language” is being made - So be it!  In D.C. you’re going to have to speak English, so they better start getting it right.

I’m thinking that Rhode Island would be a good place for the Portuguese, maybe toss in Delaware, too.  All that fishing, they’ll be right at home there.

Maine would be a great place for our French-speaking residents.  They’d be up there close to the Canadian French-speakers, so they won’t be lonely or feel isolated. 

You get the idea, anyway.  Illinois would go to the Polish.  Kansas to the Russians and Ukrainians.  Wisconsin will have the beer flowing again as once more German becomes the primary language.

New York will be the center for Italians and the handful of Dutch that are still hanging around upstate and along the river. 

Massachusetts is a bit of a problem, because the Irish there don’t necessarily speak the language, the English having driven it out of their Irish ancestors in much the same manner the U.S. is attempting to drive the native languages out of this country.  So, we’ll let them decide if they want to learn Irish, or not.

What do you say we give the Greeks Oregon and the Scandinavians Washington State?  I think they’d all be pretty happy with that arrangement. 

Of course, if you live in Hawaii you’d better be speaking Hawaiian - and good luck to you, too!  As there are no longer any “real” Hawaiians left, we can at least keep them alive and vital through their beautiful, albeit complicated, language.

Alaska will be for anyone who wants it and they can speak Pig Latin or jibberish, no one will pay any more attention than they seem to pay them now, anyway.

Well, you get the idea.  Once all the ethnic groups have been situated into their own areas, the remaining states will go to the English-speakers and they can certainly pass for themselves any legislation they want, making English the Official Language of whatever state it is in which they are living.

But do you know what?  As great as is this solution to the language problem - I contend there really is no “language problem!”   

In fact, call me goofy, but I happen to think it would make more sense to pass legislation to protect the rights of people to speak their own languages, to continue to enrich us all with the richly woven pattern of cultures that’s made this country the strong and free destination for so many - including everyone living in the U.S. who doesn’t happen to have ancestors who stood on the shore and waved as Christopher Columbus floated by.

However, I’m counting on all of us John Q. Publics being much too smart to allow the government to steer us away from the truly crucial issues by tossing us stupid debates over such fluff-and-stuff as “Federal Marriage Amendments,” or “English as the Official Language.” 

Whatever language you speak, call, write or in any other way make your opinion known to your senators and congress people, that they are to stop wasting their time on these “smoke screens” and get back to their real work.

And, should these elected representatives of ours continue to pursue their present course with this legislative nonsense, they are going to find the ballot boxes talking to them loud and clear, in a language they understand all too well:  “You’re Outta Here!”